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George Carlin Quotes

Unique George Carlin picture quotes and sayings

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.


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"If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten." Make picture quote!
"Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town." Make picture quote!
"In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first." Make picture quote!
"If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him." Make picture quote!
"If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little." Make picture quote!
"I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect." Make picture quote!
"I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death." Make picture quote!
"I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it." Make picture quote!
"I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, Where's the self-help section? She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose." Make picture quote!
"I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam." Make picture quote!
"I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work." Make picture quote!
"I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories." Make picture quote!
"I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away." Make picture quote!
"I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it." Make picture quote!
"I am is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that I do is the longest sentence?" Make picture quote!
"I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood." Make picture quote!
"Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist." Make picture quote!
"You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar." Make picture quote!
"Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?" Make picture quote!
"There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls." Make picture quote!
"There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past." Make picture quote!
"Think off-center." Make picture quote!
"Weather forecast for tonight: dark." Make picture quote!
"What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?" Make picture quote!
"When someone is impatient and says, I haven't got all day, I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?" Make picture quote!
"When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent." Make picture quote!
"When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat." Make picture quote!
"The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept." Make picture quote!
"You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans." Make picture quote!
"When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands." Make picture quote!
"Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did." Make picture quote!
"The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done." Make picture quote!
"The status quo sucks." Make picture quote!
"One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like." Make picture quote!
"One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor." Make picture quote!
"People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think." Make picture quote!
"Religion is just mind control." Make picture quote!
"Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that." Make picture quote!
"Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another." Make picture quote!
"The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live." Make picture quote!
"The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going." Make picture quote!
"Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity." Make picture quote!
"Atheism is a non-prophet organization." Make picture quote!
"By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth." Make picture quote!
"Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time." Make picture quote!
"Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things." Make picture quote!
"Always do whatever's next." Make picture quote!
"Electricity is really just organized lightning." Make picture quote!
"Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck." Make picture quote!
"At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom." Make picture quote!
"Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?" Make picture quote!
"Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established." Make picture quote!
"Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy." Make picture quote!
"I don't have hobbies; hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free." Make picture quote!
"I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed." Make picture quote!
"I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately." Make picture quote!
"It's never just a game when you're winning." Make picture quote!
"Scientists announced today that they have discovered a cure for apathy. However, they claim no one has shown the slightest interest in it." Make picture quote!
"Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight They never mention that part to us, do they" Make picture quote!
"There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past." Make picture quote!




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